An Example of Beauty

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Robert Frost

Condensed precepts?

Life, death, and being in community

On Sunday longtime friend and co-worker Catherine White-Holman died in a plane crash off Saturna Island. Five other people died in that crash, with two people surviving. So many lives changed in that moment.

Over the last 15 years, and in a rather concentrated way in the last 24 hours, I've had many moments of feeling grateful for having had the opportunity to know and learn from Catherine. She was brilliant in many ways including building and being part of community.

In the Zen Centre we talk a lot about the community of practice, the sangha. But as Catherine so beautifully demonstrated throughout her life there is a difference between talking about community as if it were something separate or outside of us, and being in community together, being community.

Last night I called Seishin as the co-coordinator of the peer support team within the VZC to ask for help. Seishin and I recently did a home visit together to sit with two members of the VZC who had a recent death in the family, and in the midst of the shock and grief all I wanted was to have people come and sit with me, to experience grief within the container and structure of zazen.

This morning three people from the VZC brought a mobile zendo to our home and sat in the middle of our living room, admist all the critters, complete with zabutons and bells and clappers. We set up a butsudan on our rolling coffee table, with a picture of Catherine and also of a friend Dean whose death anniversary it is today, with incense filling our house with that familiar smell from the zendo and flowers and ferns from Soshin's garden.

I was afraid to sleep last night, afraid of dreams of the plane sinking into the water and my beloved friend drowning, imagining the terror and panic of her last moments of life, imagining her long hair floating in the water trapped in that plane. Sitting this morning with three dharma friends across from and beside me I was so thankful for the solidity of their presence and the quality of their aliveness, breathing in and out, watching the tiny movements of Eshu's hands and the fabric of his robes move ever so slightly with each breath in, breath out. With each breath memories of Catherine, so many memories of her laughing (she was wicked and irreverent), and the quiet of our breaths in and out.

This is community -- sharing our lives together, the difficult parts as well as the joys; asking for and being there to help each other. Just breathing together, whether that breath is peaceful, struggling, calm, terrified, grief-stricken, with tears or without. Just being together, sharing our lives together.

Thank you everyone for your kindness and care, for demonstrating community, demonstrating sangha.

Gassho,

Joshua

Jew-Bus?! by Doshu

Joshua, you so expand my limited experience world view! At first I thought that 'Jew-Bus' must be an ethnic slur, or perhaps some sort of Talmudic transit option. Google to the rescue, and I find a Rabbi warning of the dangers of mixing Buddhism with Judaism - who knew? Thanks for sharing this part of your heritage with me. - Doshu

Hallmark cards for Jew-Bus

Yesterday a card arrived from my grandmother in Denver, Colorado:

You're close in thought at Chanukah as you are the whole year through. And all life's joys and blessings are always wished for you.

Since you are into Zen Buddhism, I am still sending you this. If you have holidays, let me know.

Hosen-Ji Zen Centre to VZC

During 2000-2003 I had the opportunity to visit and study in and around Kyoto, Japan on three occasions. Kyoto is a cultural jewel for Japan with 17 World Heritage sites, 1600 Buddhist temples and 100’s of majestic Japanese Gardens. In studying the history and culture of these Gardens I was able to view many from inside Temples. In passing through the hallways I could hear the chants, see monks, smell incense and from a distance see the seated meditation.

On my last visit I was curious about this meditation in the temples and asked to go to a Zen Centre for a few days. Somehow I found myself at the Hosen-Ji Zen Centre nestled in the mountains and countryside near Arashiyama, outside of Kyoto. Having no experience with meditation I thought I was going to a relaxing retreat or an onsen - maybe if I was lucky it might have a spa attached. In reality I was sitting for long periods of seated meditation, silent eating and monks walking behind me with sticks! I had no idea what was happening or what was coming next and no one could tell me in English. The most unexpected event occurred as we headed out for one our work periods. I was hoping it would be something simple such as working in the garden! But I was sent to the streets with the group asking for support for the Zen Center. I don’t think anyone could tell I was a foreigner with my loose fitting outfit, conical straw hat, bell, uncomfortable thong shoes and a pocket for money. We shuffled through the streets, ringing bells, chanting and the people of the community came out to give us food, money, encouragement and respect. I think my favorite moment was finally getting a chance to sit down and rest my feet, eating donated fresh fruit in an empty outdoor sumo wrestling venue (yes really)! I left the Hosen-Ji Zen Centre feeling a sense of wonder, freedom, curiosity and most of all just a little bit of contentment.

Back to reality in Victoria with no more trips scheduled to Japan, I was searching again. I was divorced with two children and confused. I started to build my life again and searched out the Victoria Zen Centre and Eshu. I had so many questions about what I experienced in Japan and how I could continue to learn. But I had interruptions and curiosities of other centers and techniques. My children continued to take up my time; I developed a business in Horticultural Therapy and I traveled to India on my own. I made many appearances at the Victoria Zen Centre (VZC) but was never able to commit to the practice and become a member. I took other detours with unsuccessful new relationships, physical fitness challenges and goals, an attempt at a new career completely unsuited to me and death. Finally, the realization that I had to get back to the Victoria Zen Centre - it was the only thing that made sense and there was always a sense of relief coming back and a wonderful acceptance.

I thank Ven. Eshu, Doshu and VZC members for their gentle encouragements along the way. It has been a long journey from my first initiation at Hosen-Ji Zen Center in Japan to finally becoming a member at the VZC. But really it is only the beginning. I leave you with this inscription from the Daisen-in Temple and Garden in Kyoto.

Each day in life is training
Training for myself
Though failure is possible
Living each moment
Equal to anything
Ready for anything
I am alive – I am this moment
My future is here and now
For if I cannot endure today
When and where will I
(words for each day) – Soen Ozeku
**the image above is of a phoenix at Byodoin Temple

This morning in the neighbourhood

One year post-car, 4 months since Doshu's ordination.

Walking to the grocery store, Doshu in monk's robes with his trundle buggy, being smiled at by little old ladies, accosted by a young man who wanted to know everything.
Are you a monk? What's zen all about? Do you get anything out of it? So it's mainly meditation? I'd like to learn to meditate, my mom does. But I really want a group to do it with...

Watching Venerable Doshu sweetly and patiently field questions, and support this young person in checking out Zen Buddhism for himself, I am filled with gratitude to be sharing this moment with him.

Soshin

VZC on Wikipedia!

The VZC now has two Wikipedia pages:

• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victoria_Zen_Centre


• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venerable_Eshu_Martin

Check them out!

Doshu on the Daily

For those that missed it this summer, here is the video of Doshu on Shaw Cable Victoria's Daily Show.

VIDEO

VICTORIA ZEN CENTRE CHANTING

Hello all,

The newest recorded version of the Victoria Zen Centre chanting together is available for download HERE and should be available on iTunes shortly.

Brad Warner, Dana and Dogen

Dogen: "Earning a living and doing productive work are originally nothing other than free giving."

Brad Warner on Dogen: "Working for a living is ... a means of giving freely of ourselves for the sake of others."

Sei-in on Brad on Dogen: "Receiving is a means of giving, while giving is a means of receiving."

I have to say that at the last Dana meeting, I was feeling kind of fed up. The VZC didn't actually need any more money right now and I felt it was unreasonable for Eshu to have a Dana meeting and ask for money when we didn't need any money to run the organization. To top it off, I was just getting back from a couple of days in Vancouver, which left me feeling cranky and tired.

So that was my state of mind when I arrived. We all met, shared dinner and the started the form of council. This is a form that I first experienced on the street retreats. I find it an extremely powerful way for a group to come together and collectively process their experience.

We went around the circle a couple of times. On my first turn to talk, I felt cranky (and I think my words were cranky). I was able to share my feelings without judgment and then listened to the others. As the evening progressed, I came back to a place that I have been before - a feeling that there is no giving and no receiving. If I investigate what is happening when I am giving, then I can see that I am also receiving. Similarly if I look into when I am receiving, I can see that I am giving as well.

In the end, Mitra and I were pleased to make another donation to the VZC. I left the evening in a very good mood (a big change from when I arrived).

As Dogen says, which Brad Warner comments on and then I interpret:
"Receiving is a means of giving, while giving is a means of receiving."

You'll find yourself using this perfume again and again and again and ...

HARDCORE ZEN IN VICTORIA WITH BRAD WARNER

Co-sponsored by Victoria Zen Centre and UVic Interfaith Services

Brad Warner is a Zen monk, writer, bass player and film-maker. He wrote the books Hardcore Zen, Sit Down And Shut Up and his latest, Zen Wrapped in Karma Dipped in Chocolate. His Zen pedigree, for those who value such things, is that he received Dharma Transmission from Gudo Nishijima Roshi, who received his transmission from Rempo Niwa Roshi who, at the time was the head of the Soto Sect in Japan. He was also a student of Tim McCarthy, who was a student of Kobun Chino Roshi.

Brad will be joining us for three events here in Victoria from November 16-23, 2009.
1. Tuesday November 17, 2009 7pm, Victoria, BC Canada

University of Victoria Interfaith Chapel, Lot #6 UVic Ring Road

Tuesday Zen Open House

Zen meditation and Q&A

The Victoria Zen Centre and UVic Interfaith Services co-sponsor a beginner’s group each week. 3x15 minute sits with a talk in the second one (just 15 minutes). Afterwards there is tea, introductions, and a period of question and response. Brad will do a short talk and field questions.

2. Thursday November 19, 2009 7pm, Victoria, BC Canada

University of Victoria Interfaith Chapel, Lot #6 UVic Ring Road

Public talk

This will be Brad's main talk, and there will be plenty of opportunity for questions. Brad's books will be available for purchase. Fun will be had by all.

There is no cost for this event, however space is limited. If you would like to attend, please contact office@zenwest.ca. Two seats can be reserved per email.

3. Sunday November 22, 2009 6am-5pm

Victoria Zen Centre, Sooke, BC

Members one-day intensive with Brad Warner

Our regular monthly one-day intensive will feature Brad Warner giving the Dharma talk and conducting interviews with members.

Fees for the intensive are $29 for Full Members and $79 for Basic Members. All funds will go to Brad Warner. Space is limited, so register early.

For more information, please contact office@zenwest.ca

The music of the zendo

I've been really nervous about the upcoming December sesshin and thought I would post a question here about how people who have done long periods of sitting deal with the fear and anxiety about the physical pain as well as the actual sensation of the pain.

But then I read Eshu's most recent transcribed Dharma talk at http://eshuzentalks.blogspot.com/2009/10/on-form.html and it reminded me of an experience in the May sesshin that I thought I'd post about as well as encouraging comments about physical pain and long sits.

An excerpt from Eshu's talk:

So we have bells and clappers, gongs and drums, and sounding boards, and all kinds of musical instruments that lead us through the schedule of the day.... [T]his day that we engage in, a day of practice together, is a song in which we all take part...

At the May sesshin one of my functions as Joko was to play the kaihan throughout the day. With help from Eshu in interview the relationship to the kaihan changed from whacking away at a piece of wood to relating to it as a musical instrument and playing it not only with love but experiencing the playing of it as mutual -- the kaihan and I playing each other.

Throughout that sesshin the use of the keisaku was often a jarring experience, even though I welcomed the physical relief of the stimulation of my shoulder muscles and was grateful for the courage and compassion of those wielding it. But at one point it shifted and the sound of the keisaku meeting the sitter was no longer someone being hit, but rather the same sound as the mallet hitting the kaihan -- the music of our practice together, the percussion of the zendo.

Looking forward to practicing with all of you in December, pain, music, and all!

SENSE RESTRAINT EXERCISE

Hello everyone,

At last night's sit I was asked if I could make the exercise of sense restraint that we do for the Fundamentals of Zen course at the Victoria Zen Centre. Here it is! Remember, just pick ONE and do it for a week.

Restraint of the Six Senses

Sight:
• Refrain from T.V., movies, video games, or unnecessary computer use.
• Refrain from unnecessary reading.
• Refrain from indulgence in visual pleasures in response to boredom, emotional strain, or comfort seeking.

Sound:
• Be conscious and make an effort to eliminate background noise (radio, T.V. etc)
• Become comfortable with silence.
• Refrain from engaging in frivolous or unnecessary chatter.
• Don’t indulge in eavesdropping or give ear to gossip or slander.
• Refrain from indulgence in auditory pleasures in response to boredom, emotional strain, or comfort seeking.

Smell:
• Refrain from using perfumes, strongly scented soaps or deodorants.
• Do not avoid or cover up unpleasant odours (bathrooms etc.)
• Be aware of the effect of the sense of smell on desire, ie. food, sexuality etc.
• Refrain from indulgence in olfactory pleasures in response to boredom, emotional strain, or comfort seeking.

Taste:
• Eat only at meal times (breakfast, lunch, and dinner) with only water at other times-no snacks.
• Eat simple foods, and do not indulge in overly rich, sweet, or heavy foods.
• Eat modestly at meals. Do not overeat to compensate for not snacking.
• Refrain from indulgence in taste pleasures in response to boredom, emotional strain, or comfort seeking.

Touch:
• Refrain from environmental comfort seeking, do not adjust the temperature unless you are ill or seriously at risk of becoming so.
• Practice letting go into hot and cold.
• Refrain from wearing or sleeping in luxurious fabrics (silk, velvet, fur, cashmere, angora etc)
• Abstain from masturbation.
• Refrain from indulgence in tactile pleasures in response to boredom, emotional strain, or comfort seeking.

Thought:
• Refrain from all intoxicants and stimulants (includes coffee, black or green tea {even decaffeinated}, caffeinated soda beverages, chocolate etc).
• Refrain from mental fantasy (ie. what I would do if I won the lotto).
• Refrain from mental indulgence in video games, reading, sexual thinking, and philosophical debate.
• Refrain from scenario building and negative thought indulgence.
• Refrain from indulgence in mental pleasures in response to boredom, emotional strain, or comfort seeking.

VZC Book Club

A few of us have been tossing around the idea of a book club. Just regular books, maybe some poetry, definitely NOT a zen study group.

Today we chose our first book! We're reading "Hardcore Zen". You can too. It's available to read on line here

Read it then come see the author. Brad Warner will be in Victoria from November 16-22nd. Stay tuned for event dates.

This new book club is a direct result of the fun we have had carpooling out to Sooke for Sunday sits at the zendo.

By rights this post could be about the fabulous talk Venerable Eshu gave today and I'll try to write about that later, maybe someone else (you guys know who you are) will give it a try in the mean time... Oh no! this is too cool, that's what all those monks said back in the day when they were asked to write a poem about the dharma...
(anonymous)

Random notes from last night's meeting

Dana, the practice of generosity.

Practising generosity helps balance our acquisitiveness. We are surrounded by a universe in balance that is all about giving and receiving. Think of a river: every moment receiving water, every moment giving it up.

Generosity is also a great teacher helping us understand our humanity - giving till you drop simply burdens your friends and family as they pick up the pieces. Or does it? it also gives them an opportunity to give and to grow.

Generosity isn't just about giving alms to the poor, handouts to street people, love to one's family and friends, a living wage to one's abbot. It may also be about pouring oneself completely and unreservedly into each moment.

Thank you Ven. Eshu. Thank you Dana group. Great food, heart felt sharing, enough money to support Ven. Eshu donated, a community creating a safe environment to explore and grow.

soshin

Reflections on Dana

Last week Ven. Eshu mailed out on the members' listserv an invitation to participate in the Dana group, which meets quarterly (next meeting Sept 30). As explained in that email, the idea for a Dana group arose during the Zen Centre's 2009 strategic planning sessions held last fall/winter and serves not only to help support the financial costs of the Zen Centre but also to provide, in Ven. Eshu's words, an "experiential investigation of Dana practice".

Ven. Eshu already covered in his email the origins of the Dana group and the function in terms of financial stability and sustainability for the Zen Centre. I thought I'd write a bit about my experience of the Dana meetings on the other aspect -- the opportunity to investigate Dana practice.

The main challenge in Dana practice for me has been around money. I grew up in a family affluent enough to never go hungry or worry about housing, but also in a political and cultural environment very conscious around poverty and inequality -- the "class struggle" was a phrase used with great frequency and many of my childhood memories are of protests, pickets, and union rallies. After moving out of my parents' place, there were a few short term jobs but for seven years I lived first off student loans and then on welfare. These were lean years where most months I ran out of money partway through the month so stole food or rooted through garbage bins for supermarket rejects to eat, came up with various scams to get reduced costs for basics like bus fare and used clothes/shoes, and often couch surfed when I couldn't make rent. Most months I asked people (mostly my family, but sometimes strangers) for help.

In my late twenties a friend told me about a job in a non-profit organization that valued life experience over other credentials, and so after years of unemployment I got a professional job at union wages. A couple years after that I lucked into a secretarial job at the university, where the wages were slightly better and the benefits far better. Since that time although I've sometimes had to scramble for work and have often been stressed about money, especially during periods of illness, I again consistently have a roof over my head and enough food to eat.

Now in 2009 our 2-person household is among the very rich by global standards. Last year we had a joint annual income of $42,180 after taxes, and we own a house. We have a joint bank account for joint expenses (the house, our animals, food) and also each have our own bank accounts for our individual expenses (clothes, donations, transportation, gifts, health care, etc.). Having proportionally scaled our contributions to the joint account to reflect the difference in our incomes, each month after putting money in to the joint account I have $415 to cover everything else. That money, like our joint money, is budgeted to the penny.

That's a lot of money but before starting Dana practice I often approached life as if I was still poor, with a lot of fear, anxiety, and also a lot of anger and judgment about people who have more money than we do. My basic position was that there was no way I could possibly afford to donate to the Zen Centre on top of the monthly membership fee and the small monthly amount I donate to the Zen Centre.

As always with practice in the Zen Centre, nobody guilt tripped or forced me into participating in the Dana group. People I greatly respect were part of it so I just got curious about it and decided to go, not planning to contribute any cash, just to see what it was like. The first meeting was at tax return time and shortly before going I did my tax return and realized I'd be getting around $300 back so pledged that money. For the next one I decided to experiment for a month with cutting everything out of my personal budget that wasn't absolutely necessary, to see how much I could scrape up for the Zen Centre -- figuring it would be just a few dollars at best as I didn't think I had many luxuries within my existing budget. I started with an inventory of all my financial assets (RRSP and savings account) and the details of my monthly budget, taking a hard look at what I really had vs. what I felt I had. As the month went along I experimented with eating less (as some of the financial stress comes from not being able to save for house repairs and other unexpected emergencies out of our joint account) and also did absolutely nothing social that cost money -- no going out for coffee or meals, renting movies, or any of the other occasional treats within my existing budget. To my surprise during that period I was offered a bit of freelance work on top of my job, and so over the course of three months was able to contribute $500 as part of the Dana group. I also during this time read a book by Peter Singer, "The Life You Can Save", which explores the morality of what people living in rich countries should be contributing to end dire poverty -- although I didn't agree with everything in the book it did, like the Dana group, provide the opportunity to see more clearly inconsistencies between my beliefs/values and my day to day actions relating to money.

Intrigued by the experience of the experiment with what could be cut and what I really could contribute, I decided to continue the one month experiment and use it as an opportunity to be completely honest about how much money I have and the choices I make in relation to money. This has required explaining to the people in my life that although I want to spend time with them I don't want to spend time doing things that cost money. Although people have mostly been supportive there have been some hurt feelings and eye-rolling with comments about "martyrdom" and "moral superiority".

For me this experiment with money has not been at all about moral superiority, although it has been about values. For many years I've talked about social justice and contributed a lot in various ways, but there have been inconsistencies and tendencies to selfish indulgences. The selfish tendencies are still there but I have been able to more clearly and honestly stand for what I believe in, and act in a way that is more consistent with those values. At the same time I've been able to see that my values are reflections of my day to day actions so have been less politically dogmatic about what my values should be, and more clear about how they're manifesting through my day to day life.

A side benefit of all of this has been the letting go of anxiety about money and coming to see that I am not still living on welfare. As part of being sick I spent $800 on health care, and cried and cried the day after paying those bills feeling that I had just blown my entire savings on something totally stupid and unnecessary. I did this even though I knew I'd be getting a gift from my grandfather that would cover those costs and really I was not going to be penniless as a result. As a slow learner in practice it takes a lot of these incidents to make a dint in these kinds of habitual reactions but it feels like the practice of being in the Dana group is steadily chipping away at it.

At the last Dana group meeting a parent talked about Dana as the kind of open-hearted generosity that is there when you respond to something your child needs. There is no thinking about doing this because it makes me a good person or because I should do it, the need is in front of you and you spontaneously respond in an appropriate way. Although I don't have children, that particular parent has been wonderfully generous in allowing me to spend time with her children and the feeling she talked about was something I had experienced with her kids -- an open hearted engagement.

Seeing when this feeling can be brought to other aspects of life, whether it's open hearted giving of money or time or attentive listening or something else, has been the practice for me in the last couple months. Buddhism hooked me so strongly at age 16 because life as suffering was easy for me to relate to. But in the last few months I've been seeing, in bits and pieces, the flip side -- the joy in life, and the possibility of connecting with that joy right now if I let go of "I" as a subject that the rest of the world revolves around and engage in genuine relationship with the world without concerns about what I look like and how I'll be perceived.

The picture at the top of this post reminded me of the experience of Dana as an activity that is an open-hearted exchange of joy. I've been the beggar in the picture, and I've been the giver in the picture as well. Asking for help, offering help, receiving help when it is offered -- all have been immeasurably enriched by the process of being in the Dana group. For anyone interested in checking it out I hope you'll come to the September meeting, and look forward to hearing what the experience has been like for other people engaged in this practice!

P.S. -- Before participating in the Dana group, the percentage of my income (from all sources -- work, gifts, tax refund, etc.) going to Dana was averaging around 10% -- now it's at 15%.

NICK AND SHELLEY HAVE A BABY

Member Nick Ruedy and his partner Shelley Dewar are thrilled to announce that at 10:12am on Tuesday September 8th, 2009 Shelley gave birth to a bouncing baby boy, who they have named Jasper. Weighing in at 8lbs. 11oz. he looks the picture of health. Here he is with his papa.

More on pain vs suffering

>By Soshin

It began at a recent family dinner - you know the kind - good food, good wine, laughs, family time. We were accidentally all home at the same time, and we all had the idea of some quality time together before our Fall plans take us in different directions...

Then, unexpectedly for me, wham, someone makes a pointed comment. I'm hurt. All the fun goes out of the evening. I retreat, start cleaning up. I feel the pain and think about Ven. Eshu's teaching, about Joshua's blog about pain and suffering. Where is the pain? in my chest. Who is feeling it? just for a moment the pain goes away. There's just space.

Then the pain is back, a tight ache in my chest that reaches up and pulls down the corners of my mouth, makes my eyes water. I retreat into a familiar set of responses, don't want to talk, feel hurt and right and self justified and very confused. The pain is familiar, the behaviour familiar, the goal to hurt back.

I think: just break the pattern.

I'm conscious that the Pain is in my chest and the Suffering is everything else: feelling inadequate as a parent, berating myself for being so stupid, wanting to niggle away at the pain like picking at a scab. I finish cleaning up, and start writing to try to gain some insight or at least perspective...

I realize that for this dinner I had an agenda of pure family fun and I also had mountains of unconscious baggage. The thing of it is that I'm not conscious of my unconscious baggage. I can feel it leading me by the nose, but don't have any kind of grip on it. In this case it took the form of a totally unrealistic ideal of family life.

This experience though somewhat brutal at the time has given me some clarity on a particular habit pattern, and a great incentive to sit sit sit!

Pain vs. suffering

In Buddhist books and talks there is often discussion of the distinction between pain -- physical sensations -- and suffering, how the mind experiences and reacts to those sensations.

In the last year I've had several opportunities to explore this teaching through illness and recovery from two surgeries. Each time I thought "Ah, I understand this teaching now, I've really grasped it", only to find that the next time around the same old mental whirlpool of self-pity, anger, fear, depression, and longing to collapse into helplessness without taking any responsibility for the situation.

Most recently I've been sick for a month or so, not able to do much other than eat, sleep, and sometimes work and do house chores -- not much sitting (and no zendo practice), no yoga, no volunteering other than the occasional email.

This has been a very interesting practice experience. The physical discomfort of the nausea and the pain is, objectively, not particularly intense but the suffering has been quite heavy at times. It often takes me a while to see what is going on and so it's only after four weeks or so that I can see that the main limitation to my usual day to day activities is not the physical sensation, but rather the suffering that my mind is creating around "being sick". At home, when there's a flareup of pain or nausea it's not a big deal -- I just walk around or lie down until it goes away. I know that Reese loves me and am not embarrassed to be myself around him, nausea/pain and all. In the world outside the house I am obsessed with what people think of me, swinging between the polar extremes of wanting to grit my teeth and work through the pain so that people are impressed with my toughness, and wanting to lie in a blubbering heap and have everyone give me "poor-poors" (poor, poor Josh). To my chagrin, not being a particularly tough person the blubbering heap side tends to predominate.

So the question then arises how to practice with these tendencies. Just observing them feels humiliating. I want to do something to change them so I'm not so embarrassed by myself. It struck me that one thing I could do was be honest on this blog about what is happening, both as a way of being accountable for my absence from the zendo and other VZC activities, and also as a way of acknowledging that this is not an exceptionally embarrassing or awful condition to be in -- it is part of being human. There's a reason why teachings about pain and suffering are fundamental! Thanks everyone for all that you do to help with practice in the parts of life that are difficult.

Vegetarian Dreams...?

Curious as to why I am a vegetarian? Or wondering how much impact one short dream can have in my life?

Once again, this isn't specifically about Buddhism, so I am just putting a link up here on the VZC newsletter:

http://sei-inremyjordan.blogspot.com/2009/08/dream-why-i-am-vegetarian.html

"Seeing is Believing" Tour

Hello My Zen Centre Friends,

I just finished a post on my experiences on a "Seeing is Believing" tour that I recently did of Vancouver's downtown Eastside. I didn't think that it made sense to post it on our newsletter (as it is not directly related to the VZC), but I did want to let folks know about it. If you are interested, you can find it here:

http://sei-inremyjordan.blogspot.com/2009/08/seeing-is-believing-tour-of-downtown.html

Sei-in

Sangha Sunday August 23 2009

Sangha Sunday August 23 2009
East Sooke Park (Aylard Farm)
10:00AM—2:00PM?

This month's Sangha Sunday will be held at the beach at the Aylard's Farm end of East Sooke Park. The idea is to enjoy the beach, the meadow and the forest together.

We won't be organizing any ambitious games, although we'll probably have a few fun group activities for those who want them.

• Bring picnic stuff. I still don't know if we'll be able to grill anything, so plan on bringing sandwiches or whatever for you and your family and friends, and maybe something to share with everyone if you feel so inclined. (I'm hoping to bring some Uminami Farm organic watermelon!)
• Bring beach stuff: buckets, balls, frisbees, sunblock... You know the kind of thing.
• If anyone has a beach volleyball set, please bring it. This is a perfect beach for that!
• We're leaving the ending time open. Stay for as long or as short a time as you wish.

• The sand at the Aylard Farm beach is perfect for incense bowls, so bring a container if you're in the market for that substance.

• There is a splendid meadow perfect for frisbee, catch, kite flying or just plain old-fashioned gamboling.

• There is a very pleasant hike to an ancient petroglyph. It takes about 30 minutes to get there from the beach. I've done this hike with my mother-in-law, who is in her eighties. But still, you should have sensible footwear if you want to go to the petroglyph. I wouldn't do it in flip flops.

While hiking in East Sooke park I have seen: Orcas, deer, sea lions, seals, otters, eagles, herons, myriad raccoons, squirrels, birds, and other small beings. I also once saw a fresh cougar track, but we won't be lucky enough to see one of those cats with all the racket we'll be making!

Just find your way to the parking lot at Aylard's Farm (a link to directions is below). Then head towards the beach. You can't miss it: It's right beside the ocean!

I'll be sending a PDF with more information and a map to all VZC members.
I look forward to seeing you there!
Please RSVP to seanholland@telus.net

Petroglyph photo
Directions to the park
http://www.eastsookepark.com/

A thank-you to all

At the recent commitment ceremony, I experienced the most wonderful outpouring of love and kindness from all who were present, and from many who were unable to attend. Thank-you all.

I particularly want to acknowledge my wife Soshin, for her patience and unqualified support, my fellow initiates, Seishin, Myoshin, and Myoko, who made the day so memorable, the sangha of the Victoria Zen Centre, for their energy and encouragement, and our teacher, Venerable Eshu, without whose guidance none of this would be possible.

nine bows,
Doshu

A Moment of Change

I am standing on a dirt road in Cambodia. It is hot. I feel connected to the sky above my head and to the ground underneath my feet. I feel that I am where I should be, doing what I should be doing.

I have just finished giving out packages of school supplies to lots of children. The kids have gone off to look at what they have received and I am speaking with an old Cambodian woman. We are talking about how the Khmer Rouge killed her husband. She asked if I could give her any money and I have quietly pushed a US twenty dollar bill into her hands. She asks me why I am doing this.

"Because I am a Buddhist." I reply.

At this point, I had been practicing Buddhism for almost exactly 2 years, but that was the first time I told almost anyone that I was Buddhist.

I had just spent 6 months in Southeast Asia visiting a variety of Buddhist countries. I was keeping my head shaved at that time (looking a lot like a Buddhist monk). Folks kept asking me if I was Buddhist. I would side-step the question and just say that, "it was a good way to keep cool."

I didn't want to say that I was Buddhist.

For 18 months previously, I was in Victoria (before we left on the trip) and I didn't mention my involvement in Buddhism to anyone except a few close people.

For 24 months, I was worried about what people would think if I said that I was Buddhist. I was worried that people would think I was flaky. I was worried about how this would change what it was to be Eric. Would this change my identity (both in my own eyes and in the eyes of others)? I was worried that I was pretending and somehow a fake. Perhaps I wasn't as sincere as others? Somehow Buddhism belonged to someone else and I was intruding.

In that moment on the hot dirt road in Cambodia, I acted differently.

In that moment in Cambodia, the most truthful, deepest, honest and authentic answer that I could give to the old Cambodian woman was, "I am giving these things because I am Buddhist."

That was a turning point for me. Since then, I have been very open about my involvement with Buddhism. I had feared that I would find rejection, concern and disagreement. Instead, I have found interest, curiosity and so much more acceptance than I would have thought possible. What a wonderful surprise!

The acceptance started in this important moment with the old woman in Cambodia. When I told her, she nodded. There was no scolding or anger. There was only happiness, warm acceptance and understanding. She replied to me, "Of course you are. I am Buddhist as well."

She held my hands tight, smiled and her eyes beamed. Then she walked with me out of the sun, to sit with a dozen or so mothers and their children. We enjoyed fresh coconut milk while the room filled with smiles and laughter.

Names, Names and More Names

I Want A Cool Buddhist Name!

So when I first got involved with Buddhism, I thought it was so cool to have a Buddhist name. What a great thing! To have some cool sounding Japanese name that I could use. I wanted one!


Name? I Don't Want A Buddhist Name!

I practiced with the VZC for a few years and then had the chance to attend my first sesshin. During that sesshin, I had my first clear memories of my abuse as a child. It was a very overwhelming experience. Part way through the sesshin I lost my interest in getting a Buddhist name. I asked myself, "Why would I want that? I feel so f**ked up. I am just going to focus on meditating."


Don't Think About It Too Much...

After another year and a half, I met the requirements for Jukai. I wasn’t working towards this, but it happened anyways. Eshu asked me if I wanted to do the ceremony. The idea rolled around in my head and when Eshu asked for the second time, I said yes.

The night before the ceremony Alizeh was sick all night. I stayed up with her, thinking that if I stayed up, then at least Mitra will have rested and I could get some sleep the next day after the ceremony.

So, the ceremony was very surreal on account of my exhaustion. During the ceremony, I received my Buddhist name. I hadn't really thought too much about the idea of a new name since my first sesshin almost two years earlier. I found when I had the new name, I wanted to use it. I like being called Sei-in.


There Can Be Only One!

However, I liked Sei-in so much that I wanted to get rid of Eric. I wanted to fix on Sei-in. Out with the old and in with the new.

I figures that I would try out my new name and give myself until after my third sesshin to make a decision. I really wanted to go one way or the other.

I did the sesshin in May and was confused when I came back. I wanted a decision about by name. I wanted one name. But that is not what happened for me. It felt like I was forcing it. So, I took some time and space just to let things settle.


Two Names Are Better Than One

I am not sure what I will do in the future, but for now I am using both names almost equally.

In the confusion that comes from using two names I have found the constant reminder that I am both of these names and neither of these names. I am other names too: Dad, Brother, Sweetie...

Without fixing on one name reminds me on a daily basis that I have the freedom to be all of those names and none of them. It is like the saying, “The person with one clock always knows the time, while the person with two clocks is never sure.”

I have found both fear and freedom in doubt.

Practice with saying goodbye

Yesterday I got a series of emails and phone calls from my mom. Her father, age 94, is very ill and we are going to Vancouver today to see him and to say goodbye.

Zeyds (affectionate family nickname for him based on a modification of the Yiddish word for "grandfather") has been an iconic figure throughout my life. Growing up in Vancouver as part of the secular Jewish community we spent a lot of time with my cousins and grandparents not just for holidays but also for community events and the at-the-time dreaded "Saturday school" at what is now the Peretz Centre for Secular Jewish Culture where we learned about Yiddish, history, food, and social justice.

I don't have many memories of childhood but do have a lot of memories of Zeyds. He had a small boat and we spent a lot of time on it fishing, which thinking back on it was perhaps my first experience of just sitting. There is a picture of me as a baby standing on the fish gutting deck in diapers with Zeyds' fish hanging beside me -- the fish is bigger than I was, a very good day for him.

Later in life when I transitioned from female to male, my mom's first reaction when I told her I was planning to take hormones and have surgery was that I couldn't tell her father, that it'd kill him. She eventually broke the news to him and he told my mom to get over herself and start using my new name. When I next saw him he said he was so excited to finally have a grandson and couldn't wait to show me the funnel he'd rigged in his basement workshop so he could pee standing up at the sink without having to go upstairs to the bathroom.

He also kept me honest politically. Even when I was a messed up teenager far more concerned about boys and being liked than anything else, he would ask me what was new with the class struggle and expect me to have an intelligent answer, to care about what was going on in the world and to remember what was important beyond self concerns. In his basement was a hidden stash of classic communist literature that he had hidden away for many years after the red scares of the 50s. Some years ago when I was studying Chinese medicine he gave me one of those books, a biography of Norman Bethune written by Chinese comrades. It was spotted with mold from all those years in his basement and the spine was held together with scotch tape and eventually I said goodbye to the book.

Now I am going to Vancouver to say goodbye to Zeyds. This moment is not at all unexpected. Having had many people in my life die the reality that we all die is ever present. And at age 94, having suffered a lot in the last year from dementia and physical pain in some ways it feels overdue for him.

Still it is really hard to mentally and emotionally stay in the present moment. Anticipating the time later today of saying goodbye, the mind alternatively comes up with all sorts of fantasies about what that moment and the future without him will be like, and memories of the past. There are complicated family dynamics, and complicated dynamics with the care home staff being divided about my family's instructions to provide non-invasive palliative care rather than invasive treatments to try to cure the infection that is damaging his urinary tract. In all this although there is genuine concern for him there is also a lot of self concern. I am losing my grandfather. I am losing someone who completely loved and accepted me. I am angry that he's dying in a care home and not in the home he lived in for 60+ years, where his wife died. I'm dreading dealing with my parents' grief and the rest of the family. It's a lot about me and my wants and losses and wishes and preferences, the way I feel the world should be unfolding to suit how I think things should happen.

So, my practice today will be to just be with him and my family and continuously let go with each out breath. To know where I am and what is happening in this moment, to experience this moment fully rather than missing it because my mind is caught up in future and past. When the moment does come to say goodbye, to say it fully.

“Be reminded that this great matter of birth and death is of supreme importance. Time swiftly passes us by like an arrow and opportunity is lost. Each of us must strive to awaken. Don’t squander your life.”

How Our Family Connected to Buddhism by Sei-in

In 2006, we had the opportunity to pack up our life and travel in Southeast Asia for 6.5 months. When we left in late January, 2006, the kids were all very young. Kiran was only 11 months old, Alizeh was 3.5 and Darius seemed old at 6 years old.

When we left, we left as a family of five people with one person practicing Buddhism. By the time we returned, Buddhism was something we shared as a family.

Each of us came to Buddhism in our own way. My path led to Buddhism before we left. Mitra found her connection through some very strong nuns in Vietnam. In spending time with these nuns, she saw an example of well educated and powerful women practicing Zen (in stark contrast to what she had seen in Thailand).

Alizeh developed a relationship to Buddhism through visiting temples.
She really enjoyed the ritual of the temples. When I took her to a temple, she asked me what we did there. I explained that we respectfully watched what happened while the locals went through their rituals. She challenged me: "Those people are doing something. I want to do something, not just watch them do something!" And so Alizeh learned the local rituals and made offerings at many temples across Southeast Asia.

Darius visited some temples, but didn't connect as much to the form as Alizeh. For him, it just slowly became a more visible backdrop of his life. I would typically put the older two kids to bed. I would read them a story and then sit in the room with them to meditate while they went to sleep. We had a lot less space when we were traveling than we have at home. The result of this was that it pushed my meditation practice to be more visible for the kids. Soon they were asking what I was doing and asking if they could do it too. Seeing his Dad meditate on a daily basis was important in building Darius’ connection to Buddhism.

Now for Kiran, it was different. He was quite young for the whole trip. He was only 1.5 years old when we returned home. By this point, everyone else in the family had found some connection to Buddhism and Buddhism became the water that he was swimming in.

As I write this, it is almost three years after we arrived home from our trip. Buddhism has stayed with our family, while each person has developed a different relationship to it.

I continue practicing with the Victoria Zen Centre. Mitra’s focus has been on getting her Masters’ degree for the past three years. Buddhism and the community stay close to her heart, even if she has had little time to go out to the VZC. Darius likes having a Buddha statue in his room, when he is feeling scared at night. Alizeh leaves letters for Kwan Yin (a female Buddha) behind the Kwan Yin figure in her room. In the morning, she enjoys reading Kwan Yin’s replies. Kiran likes to light incense, meditate and do prostrations. As a family, we enjoy going to the VZC Sangha Sundays and Buddha’s Birthday Celebration each year.

THE MAKING OF A ZEN MONK

Victoria Zen Centre to hold Victoria's first Buddhist Ordination

Doshu Lars Rogers has a first-hand understanding of suffering and impermanence. In February 2002, he found himself in the intensive care unit of Vancouver General Hospital more dead than alive having been air lifted from his family’s homestead on Malcolm Island just off of Vancouver Island’s north coast. The diagnosis was acute leukemia, and the prognosis was not hopeful. Immediate chemotherapy left Rogers with no memory of the events that took place for about a month after his arrival at the hospital. In May of 2002, he was released from hospital for two weeks before a scheduled bone marrow transplant “to make some good memories with (his) family”. Upon his return to hospital he was subjected to intense chemotherapy and full-body radiation to ensure that all blood making cells in his body were thoroughly and totally dead. Following the bone marrow transplant, another month of isolation followed waiting for these new cells to take up residence deep within his bones and begin producing healthy blood.

Doshu has practiced Zen Buddhism since 1975-at times passively, and at times with great energy and zeal. Living remotely, his contact with any kind of Buddhist community was infrequent, but he maintained a personal practice and attended meditation retreats occasionally with Toronto Zen Centre, Zen Centres in Oregon and Washington States, and the Victoria Zen Centre. His life path had seen him educated at the University of Toronto in astronomy, travelling through Asia and Europe with his wife Soshin Ruth McMurchy, training and working in electronics and making a living as an entrepreneur in that field. Doshu and Soshin have two children together, and when Doshu became ill, the whole family moved to Victoria so that they could be there to support him, and each other. As he lay in the hospital wondering if he would make it to the next mealtime which Doshu describes as “a yellow-green goo that was pumped through my nose-tube and into my stomach”, a visiting friend asked him what he wanted to do when he got out of the hospital. Doshu had spent much of his time (when he was conscious and/or coherent) reviewing his life, coming to terms with his impending death, and letting go of any regrets of his life; but realized that he hadn’t seriously considered the possibility of recovery. The question he was asked provoked a heartfelt response that he says surprised him. “My family and Zen practice are my priorities.”

When Doshu was discharged from hospital in July of 2002, after the bone marrow transplant had “taken”, it was into the caring hands of his friends and family. As he slowly recovered, struggling through periodic and frightening infections, and dealing with the depression that often follows such severe illness, he gradually began to regain his strength. His resolve and commitment to his priorities also grew stronger. Eventually he overcame concerns about his physical fragility and emotional instability and reconnected with the Victoria Zen Centre. Knowing that Zen Buddhist practice can be demanding physically, mentally, and emotionally, Doshu expected a rough ride but says he was very kindly and gently received by the Zen Centre community and it’s teacher Ven. Eshu Martin. “In hospital I started to experience life more as a gift than a given - connecting with Ven. Eshu and the loving community he inspires has allowed me to grow toward a life based on practice and giving, to face my fears and to uncover the life I have longed for but never before managed to create”, says Rogers.

“Doshu’s commitment to his family, to his community, and to Zen practice raises the bar for everyone that comes into contact with him”, says Martin, who also acts as the Buddhist Chaplain for the University of Victoria’s Interfaith Services. “As the Zen Centre has grown and developed, Doshu has been involved in every aspect, and provides a joyous, humble, and compassionate example for all of us to follow.”

Doshu’s increasing involvement and commitment has led to his completion of a program of training and education at the Victoria Zen Centre that will see him ordained a Zen Monk at the University of Victoria’s Interfaith Chapel on at 10am on July 19, 2009 as a part of the Zen Centre’s semi-annual commitment ceremony. The first event of its kind to be held in Victoria, it promises to be a deeply powerful and moving event for everyone present, and will deeply impact Doshu, his family, and the Buddhist community of Vancouver Island. For more information, please contact the Victoria Zen Centre office@zenwest.ca 250-642-7936.

The Victoria Zen Centre is a federally registered charity that was formed in 1980. For more information please visit the website at www.zenwest.ca

"If he discovers religion, he will become a TV evangelist!" by Sei-in

I grew up in a family without any formal religion. My mother was certainly a spiritual person, but we didn't belong to any religious group. I think that mom was skeptical of any organized religion. Dad wasn't spiritual at all. What spirituality came to us as kids, came from my mom.

So, I wasn't really exposed to any organized religion growing up, even though I was exposed to spirituality. I had only been to 2 church services in my life (not including weddings or funerals) before I started practicing Buddhism.

When I was a kid, my folks took this picture of me in my grandparent’s backyard in California. I am dressed in a corduroy suit (all the rage back then!) with a stern look on my face and my hands clasped in front of me. The photo became a defining part of our family's story. The story went like this: "In this photo, Eric looks like either a preacher or a gangster. We don't want him to be a gangster and if he gets into religion he will be insufferable. He will be like a TV evangelist. So Eric should never get into the mob or organized religion."

This story went on for years. I guess the photo was taken when I was 4 or so and the story was part of our family until I got involved with Buddhism and didn't become a TV evangelist.

Any time I would express interest in religion the story would come out: "well, you know what mom always said about you and religion..."

Fast forward to 2004… by this time, my mother had passed away, Mitra and I were married with 2 kids and I was very involved with the company that I had co-founded, PureEdge. I came home one hot day. I thought that something may be up as soon as my mother-in-law told me that she would look after the kids, while I should go upstairs to chat with Mitra.

I went up to our bedroom and Mitra told me to sit down. I sat down and Mitra told me that she was pregnant with our third child. This was not the plan! We had a boy and a girl. We were done. Or so I thought. The idea of another child scared me.

Mitra and I saw a counselor together who helped us to take a broader perspective on the child. She asked us to think about ourselves in the future and what we would tell ourselves to do now. The answer was clear to me - the future me would tell the present me to have the child. Yes, it would be hard, but it would be worth it. I would live to regret it if we didn't have the child (I have to add that I am very thankful for this advice. It was just what I needed. Also, I am very thankful to have Kiran in my life).

I could clearly see that I wanted to have the child, but I was still scared. In the moments between sleeping and waking, I would feel this horrible fear sitting on my chest.

I went to see a different counselor whom I had seen previously about my mother's death and various work-related stresses. She said that she thought that my fear was not to do with having a third child, but to do with something greater. The pregnancy was just the "straw that broke the camels back".

We talked about how I could figure out what the greater issue was. She mentioned a variety of approaches to figure it out. She mentioned hypnosis and I knew that was what I wanted to try. Further, I wanted to be hypnotized in my painting studio at home (otherwise known as my garage), instead of in her office.

The next Saturday I found myself in my art studio, settled in comfortably on a chair next to my counselor. She led me to relax and go to a safe place within myself. There I was greeted by two visitors - two parts of myself that needed expression. One was a child of me and the other was an older figure. It was kind of like a dream. At one point, this figure put his hands on my shoulders and looked at me. In a voice that you would use to talk to a child who just isn't listening, he said, "Find a teacher." His voice was frustrated as if he had said this to me a thousand times and if I would only listen, I would be so much happier.

I returned to my normal state, guided out of the hypnosis by my counselor. I knew that I needed to find a religious teacher. I felt that while I felt deeply spiritual, I needed to be involved with some group. It occurred to me for the first time that the spiritual struggles that I had were not unique to me. Many other people had gone through these before. I could either re-invent the wheel while repeating the mistakes of others or I could learn from them. I could learn from their mistakes and once I learned their path, I could then forget it.

I felt like my approach to spirituality had been one of forgetting all of the rules to have a direct experience with spirituality. However, I had never learned the rules in the first place, so it was hard to forget them.

I decided to learn the path of an organized religion. The question was which one?

I made two lists in my head. One list was all of the world’s major religions (Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, etc.). The other was a list of things which I felt spiritually spoke to me. It included all sorts of random things including the original Star Wars movies (especially Yoda), the book Siddhartha by Hesse and some obscure sci-fi books. When I stepped back and compared the lists in my head, I quickly saw that 80% of the things that I considered spiritual had a Buddhist theme. This was a big surprise to me, but not to those around me.

Frankly, the fact that I read the book Siddhartha by Herman Hesse almost every year since I was a teenage should have been a clear signal to me, but I had missed it all of those years.

Any ways, I went online and looked to find a good beginners book on Buddhism. I read several reviews and settled on "Buddhism for Dummies". I bought it and read it cover to cover. It was a great book to introduce me to Buddhism.

It was like a door opening for me. The first chapter explained the reasons that Buddhism is a religion and the reasons that it isn't a religion. I found the reasons for it to not be a religion very compelling:

- there is no god(s),
- the main dude (Buddha) said that he was just a person and he wasn't trying to teach a religion, but just a way to me happy
- there is no set of ways in which you have to act, otherwise you will go to hell. There are ways to act, but they are only suggestions and the intent isn't to avoid hell, but just to be happier. So if you want to be happy, then killing people probably isn't going to help.
- if something in Buddhism doesn't work, then don't do it.

The end of the first chapter concluded with the idea that it didn't matter whether or not Buddhism was a religion or not.

The next thing that got me was the description of the first teaching that Buddha gave. He talked about something called The Four Noble Truths. I was completely struck by these as deeply familiar. These were themes which I had been painting over and over again for the previous four years.

As I worked through the book one of the things that it suggested was to try meditating. Regardless of which form of Buddhism you practice, there is always a lot of meditation. So if you don't like meditation, then this path is not for you.

The book described a simple counting breath meditation. I tried it for 15 minutes (which is what was suggested). I found myself far more relaxed afterwards. I had tried many things over the years to relax and nothing had worked as well. Meditation had helped me to relax a lot, in only 15 minutes, didn't involve appointments or other people and was free.

Next, the book suggested that I find a teacher and a community. I went through the phone book and searched online for places to practice Buddhism in Victoria. Eshu from the Victoria Zen Centre answered my email.

Eshu and I got together for a tea. I was very nervous at the thought of meeting a real Zen monk, but I was quickly at ease. Eshu and I became fast friends. I went to listen to Eshu speak and met Ben. He seemed like a pretty good guy and I thought if the community was made up of folks like Ben, then it must be a good group.

In the summer of 2004, about two months after finding out the Mitra was pregnant, I started practicing Buddhism with the Victoria Zen Centre.

A few months later, Eshu, Niki and the kids came over for dinner. In the middle of dinner, Eshu turns to Mitra and says, "Eric is really into Zen. What do you think of that?"

I was immediately worried. I knew that I was enjoying my time with the VZC, but what did Mitra think? In that moment it occurred to me that I didn't know what she thought.

Mitra turned to Eshu and said, "It is great! Eric is so much more relaxed. He is easier with the kids. He is easier with me. He admits when he is wrong so much sooner. It has made a big, positive change in him."

Wow, I thought. I knew that I felt better, but I didn't know that I was acting so differently. I didn't know that Mitra thought it was so positive for me.

That was five years ago now. Buddhism has continued to be a very powerful and positive influence on my life. I am thankful for it, but probably not as grateful as those who would have to interact with me if I wasn't practicing.

Ordination

Doshu’s ordination is coming up next month. Invitations are going out now and many friends and family members are curious about what it means to become a monk in this tradition. I’m often asked how I feel about Doshu becoming a monk. Perhaps this is a polite way of asking “But what about your sex life?” I was pretty curious about this too, but a vow of celibacy is not a part of this ceremony.

Years ago, Doshu and I made an agreement to support each other in our spiritual development. I’d been meditating in a haphazard way since my university days, and we both joined the Toronto Zen Centre, but now we had small children and lived in rural BC so I joined the local women’s healing circle in my community, while Doshu continued to practise solo long-distance zen. We women met weekly and together explored various spiritualities, finally settling into a Wiccan practice as taught by Starhawk and the Reclaiming Collective. This transformational practice is encapsulated in its only rule: Do as you will and harm none. Starhawk strongly recommended a personal daily meditation practice, but there was no instruction in this. These were exciting times, learning to use trance as a tool for self discovery and group spiritual work, learning to change consciousness at will. I am so grateful to the powerful women who shared in this adventure.

A few years ago Doshu became seriously ill and spent many months in hospital in Vancouver. At the end of his ordeal he was alive, and thanks to a bone marrow transplant, getting better. We left our beloved Mitchell Bay, moved to Victoria, and I began seriously studying Qi Gong with the idea of becoming a practitioner. However, here again was the directive to meditate daily, yet no instruction on how to do this.

Then Doshu connected with the Victoria Zen Centre. He found a local spiritual home at last, and I found the support and community I need to develop and maintain a daily meditation practice.

I’m happy that Doshu has been able to follow the spiritual path of his choice. After years of flying to Toronto for intensives, it’s wonderful for him to have an active zen centre right here. And not only local but this is a centre that offers programs tailor made to each individual, from beginners to those who are ready for a residential program and even ordination. We are blessed to live in a time and place (Victoria!) where Zen is alive. -Soshin

A cat moment

Today, holding the cat, there was a settling into pure sensory enjoyment. The fur, soft against bare arms; nuzzling his head- the smell so sweet; feeling the tiny puffs of his breath against my face; responding to his purrs with a deep inner relaxation of being.

Aaaah, this must be the Post Tuesday Sit Glow that Doshu told me about. -Soshin

A Tea Story - Doshu

One time at a Tuesday UVic sit, Shoji and Shoshoji were a little late arriving for the setup before the sit, so as Shika, I started making the tea to help them out. Our ususal routine is to boil water and make the tea in two thermos jugs, so that it will be hot for serving at tea time following the sit.

When it came time for tea, we were served luke warm water, and I realized someting about meddling in other people's business. As part of my 'helpful assistance' I had filled the thermos jugs with warm water to preheat them, and failed to communicate this to Shoji when she arrived. As Shika, I am supposed to be training the officers, and one of the cardinal guidelines is to do one's job and let others to theirs.

I am grateful for the wisdom embodied in the form we use.

Go and boil your bottoms!

‘Twas in what I believe is called the “vestry” at the Interfaith Chapel. The crew were getting ready for the Tuesday sit.
I spied upon the counter two halves of a coconut. Naturally, I grabbed them and, knocking them together in the famous way, began to ride about the room.
“Please,” I begged, “can we use these for kinhin tonight?”
I believe the Venerable was deep in thought, for he appeared not to have heard me, although he was looking directly at me.
Young Matheo asked, “How did they get here?”
“A swallow must have brought them,” I answered, naturally.
“What? A swallow carrying a coconut?” Matheo demanded.
“It could grip it by the husk!”
“It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut,” exclaimed Matheo.
“Well, it doesn’t matter,” said I. “We’d best set up the zendo.”
“Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?”
“Look, I have to make the tea.”
“Am I right?”
I was so pleased that young folks still value the classics.

Zen practice, habits, and the bounce

Sei-in's post about fingernail biting helped me reflect on a habit pattern that I've been struggling with lately (thank you Sei-in!); the opportunities that the Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha provide to face the difficult emotions that can come up around habits; and an associated phenomenon I've been noticing a lot lately, the desire to withdraw from things that feel unpleasant.

I grew up in a secular Jewish family and community, and have lots of strong and pleasant memories about food from my childhood -- associations of food with physical sensations of delight and also emotional sensations of comfort, love, abundance, and security. I also grew up in the 1970s, a time when there was a lot of attention to diet and being thin, and was often teased at school for being fat (along with being Jewish and in an actively left-wing family with a working mother, which was not a happy combo in a rich, right-wing, WASP neighbourhood). So, like many people there is both a neurotic tendency to cling to food and want more of it because it makes me feel good, and at the same time a neurotic aversion to it because it brings up feelings of disgust, self loathing, and shame.

Shortly before starting at the VZC I was at an all time low in terms of my physical and mental health. A very stressful job, burnout from years of difficult community work, grief over deaths of scores of friends and clients, and difficulty walking due to a brain virus several years previously led to increasing reliance on food both to cope with the difficult feelings and also, in hindsight, to try to obliterate my self and create a wall between me and the world. Although I took a political position on fat pride, really I was completely embarrassed at the binge eating I would do, smothering rage and frustration with loaves of bread and bowl after bowl of noodles.

When I started practising with the VZC there were obvious and dramatic physical changes. I put down the cane I'd been using for several years and realized that I had been hanging onto it far past the point of recovery from the brain virus. I also lost forty pounds. The physical pain from sitting, and the seemingly endless enthusiasm of Seishin ("It'll be SO MUCH FUN!"), inspired me to start Bikram Yoga and I started to regain physical strength. Then my gallbladder succumbed to the years of food abuse and I had a very restricted, no-fat diet to try to prevent more gallstones from developing. Another thirty pounds came off.

At this point I got pretty cocky. I figured I had beaten my old food habits and had got to a resting place of being balanced and healthy around food, body image, and using Zen practice to deal with difficult feelings. My family oohed and aahed at my bucking of the genetic and cultural trend. I had it all figured out. I was in control.

So, in April out came the gallbladder. I could eat whatever I wanted again, and the physical recovery of surgery was more difficult than expected and so I stopped going to yoga for a while.

Right back into old habits. Eating compulsively for comfort (to alleviate the physical pain of recovery from surgery and to deal with work stresses), and also for the physical pleasure of food. It has been mortifying to realize the depth of depravity still there for me relating to food. Not only am I greedy, I'm so greedy that I'll sneak food out of my husband's bowl just for the sheer satisfaction of knowing I'm getting more than him. It's a mess. I'm a mess. And I'm totally embarrassed that all the people who have been giving me props for losing weight are going to realize that I'm gaining it back and think I'm a loser.

So, I take it to the cushion. What the hell. Isn't sitting supposed to give me strength to face things that are difficult? And isn't that going to make me feel better?

But of course sitting is not an escape. Increasing awareness is not just of the interconnectedness of all things, the possibility of letting go of the constructed dramas of ego into the fundamental activity of the universe, of letting go of self and relaxing into just being. It is also seeing, more clearly, the crazy neurotic crap that arises again and again. And again. And again. Ouch.

So, the bounce, the desire to separate out from the experience, pull away, and blame everything around me for making me feel bad. I'm mad at practice. I'm mad at my teacher. I'm mad at the sangha. I'm mad at the board and the people I work with within the VZC. I'm mad at my gi. I'm mad at the cushion. I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at people who are at a place in their practice where they're excited about its transformative potential. I'm mad at my yoga mat and the yoga teacher and how hard it is to be the worst one in yoga class and have to sit down all the time because I'm physically and mentally weak again. Bleah. I hate practice. I want to pull away, to bounce away from the Buddha, the Dharma, the Sangha, to run away from practice and from myself.

Aha. It's really myself I'm mad at. So I just keep sitting with it, even lean into it a little. Because this is not the first time in practice that something difficult has come up. So I start talking about it with the person who I trust most to help me when I'm being a nutcase, my husband (who is unfailingly supportive without letting me get away with feeling sorry for myself). Next steps are to talk with my teacher and with peers in the sangha, who I know from experience will provide that same fantastic balanced support to practice with what is happening without getting ridiculously fascinated by it. There is no real crisis. It's OK. Relaxing again into the activity of the universe and letting go just a smidge, it all seems kind of funny, this freakout about self and wanting to look good and be in control. I'm good, I'm bad, I'm thin, I'm fat, I, I, I, I. Ding a ling a ling! More zazen!

Fingernails, Math and Meditation by Sei-in

(Typed on the float plane ride from Vancouver to Victoria)

Hmmm....

Let's see... I recently turned 40. I have been practicing with the Victoria Zen Centre for about 5 years. When I was a kid, I started biting my fingernails. I am not sure how old I was, but I know that I was biting my nails in elementary school. Let's say I started at 10 years old. This means that by the time I came to start practicing Zen, I had been biting my fingernails for about 25 years (40 years old now -started with VZC 5 years ago - started biting fingernails at age 10).

For 25 years I bit my fingernails all the time. I would bite them when I was happy. I would bite them when I was sad. I would bite them when I was excited and when I was scared. I bit them until they hurt and even when the started to bleed.

Of course, I tried to stop. I would try to get myself to stop biting them. But then I would go see a movie and find myself already biting them, without ever being aware of having started again. I never sought outside help to stop biting them (I hear that hypnosis works...), but when I was little, I remember my mom putting some foul tasting stuff on my nails so that I would hate the taste and not bite them.

This didn't work. I got used to the taste and just kept biting them. My sister stopped and my mother stopped when I was still living at home, but I did not. I continued biting my nails long After leaving home.

I learned how to hide biting my nails. I learned how to hold my hands so that people could not see my nails. In general, I didn't do it where other people (except those very close to me) could see.

So for 25 years this happens. For 25 years I bite my nails. Then I start practicing with the Victoria Zen Centre. I learn to meditate (having never done this before) and start a daily meditation practice.

I have tried a lot of things to process my intense emotions and nothing has worked as well as meditation. From the first time that I sat, I found meditation to be extremely powerful in processing emotions, reducing stress and generally making me a nicer guy to be with (my wife will certainly agree with that).

After about 6 months of practice (usually sitting at home for 25 min per day, 6 days out of 7), I looked at biting my nails and just realized that it wasn't very effective. I was biting my nails to process emotions and it didn't do a very good job. Or perhaps a better way to say that is, meditation did a much better job. Of course I had heardball of this before, but one day I just saw it differently.

It is hard to describe how it was different. It was just different. What had made sense as an activity before (biting my fingernails), no longer made sense. It seemed like a bad idea, even though I had been doing it for over 25 years. Now that I had a much more effective mechanism for dealing with stress, it just didn't make sense to bite my nails.

So I stopped.

After 25 years of habit, I just stopped.

It has been 4.5 years since that realization and I haven't bitten my nails since. Well, that isn't completely true. There have been a few times when I did bite the nail on one finger on one hand. But then I would catch myself and stop. Why am I doing this? I know that it doesn't work too well. And then I would stop again.

In hindsight, I think that two powerful things have worked to support me. One is the initial insight where I saw something that I had heard for many years completely differently. It is almost like seeing the same thing from the top, instead of the bottom. Now it makes complete sense. The other thing is the awareness of my present moment that comes with regular practice. I know that since I have started meditating, I have become much more aware. That awareness has helped a lot if I fell back into my old habits. Through that awareness, I could quickly adjust my actions.

So there is my story of how a habit pattern which was reinforced over 25 years was changed on one day and one clear insight.

The Past Present

What I learned at the five day intensive was awareness of some of my programmed responses and behaviour patterns. These ingrained buttons that when pushed often result from the "same" cause and produce the "same" effect ~ suffering. The more awareness sharpens, the more chance to act from a place of "true" response rather then "same old".  I strive to nourish "true" me. Learning through the past in the present.

May 2009 Five-Day Intensive

This May we had 13 participants four our annual spring five-day intensive. Back row left to right: Sei-in Eric Jordan (shoshoji), Joshua Goldberg (joko), Joan Doerksen (shoden), Jundo Jaron Holder (jikijitsu), Luke Rogers, Mateo Ham, Hoyu Tommi Boulter (shoji). Front row left to right: Yushin Charles Rose (shoten), Soshin Ruth McMurchy (tenzo), Eshu, Doshu Lars Rogers (shika) and Seishin Susanne Ledingham (densu). Seishu Ben Morton who participated part time is not in the picture (sorry Seishu!).

With only 2 newcomers, the intensive was a solid and stable opportunity for all of the participants to dig into practice together. Consider joining us for our Winter five-day intensive December 5-11, 2009. Register early to ensure that you get a seat!