Pain vs. suffering

In Buddhist books and talks there is often discussion of the distinction between pain -- physical sensations -- and suffering, how the mind experiences and reacts to those sensations.

In the last year I've had several opportunities to explore this teaching through illness and recovery from two surgeries. Each time I thought "Ah, I understand this teaching now, I've really grasped it", only to find that the next time around the same old mental whirlpool of self-pity, anger, fear, depression, and longing to collapse into helplessness without taking any responsibility for the situation.

Most recently I've been sick for a month or so, not able to do much other than eat, sleep, and sometimes work and do house chores -- not much sitting (and no zendo practice), no yoga, no volunteering other than the occasional email.

This has been a very interesting practice experience. The physical discomfort of the nausea and the pain is, objectively, not particularly intense but the suffering has been quite heavy at times. It often takes me a while to see what is going on and so it's only after four weeks or so that I can see that the main limitation to my usual day to day activities is not the physical sensation, but rather the suffering that my mind is creating around "being sick". At home, when there's a flareup of pain or nausea it's not a big deal -- I just walk around or lie down until it goes away. I know that Reese loves me and am not embarrassed to be myself around him, nausea/pain and all. In the world outside the house I am obsessed with what people think of me, swinging between the polar extremes of wanting to grit my teeth and work through the pain so that people are impressed with my toughness, and wanting to lie in a blubbering heap and have everyone give me "poor-poors" (poor, poor Josh). To my chagrin, not being a particularly tough person the blubbering heap side tends to predominate.

So the question then arises how to practice with these tendencies. Just observing them feels humiliating. I want to do something to change them so I'm not so embarrassed by myself. It struck me that one thing I could do was be honest on this blog about what is happening, both as a way of being accountable for my absence from the zendo and other VZC activities, and also as a way of acknowledging that this is not an exceptionally embarrassing or awful condition to be in -- it is part of being human. There's a reason why teachings about pain and suffering are fundamental! Thanks everyone for all that you do to help with practice in the parts of life that are difficult.