Zen Banquet - Doyu Tom Oak

Almost two years ago I started my association with the Victoria Zen Center. Since my first tentative Tuesday evening appearances at the UVic interfaith chapel in September 2006 my Zen Buddhism practice with our Sanga has steadily deepened and elaborated. I could never have anticipated the profound and positive influence this practice would have on my daily experience of living. Zen is teaching me to finally enjoy the banquet which had always been laid out before me.

My marriage: for over two decades I have been married to a vivacious woman. I love being and living with her but have been unable to fully express my appreciation for my marvellous partner. I questioned whether she was the right one for me. My eyes and thoughts wandered to other possibilities. I complained about and judged her ways and choices. I held back. I played it safe within the narrow circle of my own perceived needs. In recent months I am opening up. Our physical relationship is taking off. Spontaneous hugs and laughter abound. Not much about her has apparently changed but so little of what she does bugs me any more.

My career: I had grown to resent my work. In the first few months of my practice I agonized over what to do next. Further sitting afforded me the strength to leave my job and take up the role of homemaker. Meanwhile my wife’s real estate business grew. She was run off her feet with work while I idled, struggling with what to try next. I felt guilty about not ‘working’ and thought she must think less of me for this. My practice spurred me to take heart and talk about my fears with Rosemarie; her main fear was that I didn’t love her. Now I prove my love daily and our solitudes of busy and idle are healing. We are working as a team and our real estate business is flourishing.

My “girls” are 17, 20, and 22. I have been a good father to them over the years, but it is only through my Zen practice that I have come to acknowledge and recognize this. Previously my parenting was riddled and hampered with guilt and feelings of inadequacy. At this stage of parenting so much is about letting go. Alexis, Nicolia, and Rhea are increasingly keen to take the reins of their own lives and my Zen practice has guided me in aiding this transition.

I breathe easier and feel happier these days. I dine far less often on bitter self critiques. I have come far and am exceedingly grateful. And I love that there is no end in sight; every day I take the time to sit, and every day I am savouring a little more of life, this sumptuous banquet.