My Experience as a residential student at the Victoria Zen Centre - Jundo Jaron Holder

Initially, I came to the Victoria Zen Centre to become something better and to feel better about myself. I didn’t see it that way then, but that was my intention. This still is my approach to practice actually, but to a lesser degree I think. It’s not that I want it to be, it just is. Zen Practice has helped me to see this.

At first I was really exited about my situation at VZC; everything was new and I had big hopes for what I was going to become. Once in a while something would happen in practice and I would think I was starting to “get it”. But every time, my excitement would fade because it didn’t seem to change anything, it didn’t make me feel better. Then my practice would seem to take a different direction, which perhaps was me looking elsewhere for some realization, a particular experience. There has been a fair bit of disappointment because of my expectations.

Particularly in sitting, I began to notice a constant effort to achieve something, a constant mental projecting and evaluating. There were times when I thought that my effort had settled, my mind had settled, but gradually I noticed how there were always subtle thoughts which were watching and evaluating. Practice grew more frustrating as I grappled with a constant struggle to do “good practice” and to not struggle. I have found this to be one of the biggest challenges for me in practice.

Particularly outside of sitting, I became more and more intimate with my internal responses to my fixated schedule, social encounters, challenges and lack of stimulation. It was painful to watch myself worry and resist, make a big deal and search for escape. It seems less painful now; I think I accept it more.

My initial enthusiasm became contrasted by irritation and uneasiness. This is largely due to Eshu provoking my ego by keeping me on my toes and putting me on the spot, which he does regularly.

On top of that, I am noticing more and more the projecting of my ego in much of what I do and say, trying to make myself look good. I find this embarrassing when I notice it afterwards.

Also, practice seems to have made me more aware of the rise and fall of my egotistic self. Often when I feel good, I notice that it is ego based, that there is this energy behind it, this effort and struggle, like I am on guard; it seems like the good feeling is vulnerable, fragile. Eventually I will “screw up” somewhere and my ego will be crushed and I will feel horribly foolish and emotional. This seems to be good opportunity to be accepting that I am not perfect, that I am what I am, and the more I can do that, the quicker the difficult emotions pass; often they are replaced by a sense of humility, ease and relief, like I don’t need to be on guard anymore. This seems to be a strong good feeling, not fragile, not based on ego. Eventually my ego inflates again though, and the pattern continues.

I’m not sure how much practice has made me feel happier, or more confident, or more relaxed like I hoped it would, but to some extent it seems to have helped me let go of these ambitions and just accept what I am. In general, it seems that I am more aware of my ego at work and have a clearer understanding of why it causes me dissatisfaction. I think this is a good thing, an important thing, so I like practice.

In conceptualizing some of my experience over the last six months, this is what I can say. I should mention however that I don’t know how accurate an interpretation this is. In hindsight, it often seems that my “understanding” of my experiences in life are distorted.