It's been just over a week since coming back from sesshin. I went in with a lot of anxiety as my first sesshin a year previously was really painful both physically and mentally.This time around it was still painful although not nearly as bad (thank you Bikram yoga instructors!) and so there was more of an opportunity to experience other aspects of sesshin, particularly the experience of living in close quarters and practicing so intensely with a group of good friends -- "virtuous companions" in the sutra translation Eshu read from as part of his dharma talks.
Of course the magic of sesshin couldn't be sustained forever, it changes just like everything else, but it has been interesting to experience so pointedly the resistance of letting it change. Eshu had talked specifically during sesshin about the mistake of approaching practice from a self-oriented perspective (I'm going to be a better person) but sinking back into old habits so quickly after sesshin was over, especially regarding relationships with other people, I was feeling pretty disappointed -- what is the point of such intensive practice if I come back and am as big a jerk as I was before sesshin?
In reading a book by Desmond and Mpho Tutu ("Made for Goodness") over the last couple days, the following passage really hit home. Although the book is written from a Christian perspective this perfectly described my experience of this very special sangha and has lightened things up considerably.
A life of wholeness can accept flaws and vulnerabilities as doors to relationship. If we can do all things flawlessly, we have no need of anybody else. That is not ubuntu. Flaws and vulnerabilities destroy the illusion of self-sufficiency and can open our eyes to our common humanity. Flaws and vulnerabilities can build the bridge to human community and to a relationship with the divine.Or as Leonard Cohen put it:
Ring the bells that still can ringSo, cracked and all, onward we go! Thanks everyone for all your support this week with the post-sesshin transition, it's much appreciated.
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
Dear Joshua/Virtuous Companion:
ReplyDeleteI can't tell you how much I loved your post here. Thank-you for sharing your experiences... so beautiful and rich and how juicy to be jumping into vulnerability. As Theodore Roethke said, "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries". As always, I enjoy practicing with you incredibly much, your Dharma Sib, Seishin