Sesshin Followup

Returning from the recent 5 day intensive, I have been mulling over what happened for me there. On the last night, after the closing bell, we put the house furniture back in order and had a group meeting in which we talked about our experiences – I didn’t say much at the time, and now want to offer to the group a little of what is going on in my practice.

This practice really calls to me. Particularly during chanting and dharma talks, it is often painfully clear how much I long for liberation, and always have - what else is there to do? It is as if all the patriarchs and ancestors are inviting me to just 'drop body and mind' and follow this deep yearning that I feel – so natural, so simple. At the same time, I become gripped by fear, even terror, mixed with a sense of being unworthy to aspire to such an exalted path. At some underlying level, my daily life unfolds as though I’m inauthentic, or perhaps an impostor, and if I don’t manage my external façade of competence adequately, I’ll be found out, to my great shame.

I cope fairly well in most situations, but when the chips are down and a challenging interaction arises, what will happen if I don’t measure up as a father, a husband, a Buddhist practitioner, or just as a person? So I build my walls and hide behind them. I seek familiar and safe situations, like interacting with and manipulating objects, and avoid, or tiptoe cautiously through, the inevitable human relationships that life requires.

I see now that it was no accident that for years I practiced at a centre located 3000 miles away from where I lived – a comfortable buffer that I could deal with. I could show up once or twice a year for sesshin, drop in and do my solitary practice, and then disappear when it was over, without the need for engaging with the people in that sangha.

It’s a different story at VZC, and I want you all to know that I truly appreciate the love and support that you show me, and the opportunity that I have to contribute to this community we’re building. The sesshin form is so wonderful – a chance to engage with our private delights and demons, and to do it together with others, in a loving crucible. This time around I find that I’m a little more at ease and comfortable in my own skin, a little less driven to ‘get better’, and a lot more excited about the adventure of life and practice. I was Lars for 55 years, and have been Doshu for a little over 2. Now, with ordination approaching, I feel like maybe I’m leaving Doshu behind and moving into something else - I don’t really know what yet, but the prospect seems less daunting than it has in the past. If I’m lucky, I may get 20 or 30 more years in which to kick this can around, and I want to do it with it my family, friends, teacher, and sangha.

To all of our sangha, to Venerable Eshu particularly, and to my family and friends, I just want to say thank-you for all that you do.

nine bows,
Doshu